I Felt the Light Go Out

I choose defeat,
I walk away,
and leave this place
the same today.
Some like to sleep,
we like to play.
Just look at all that pain.

–My Chemical Romance, “Fake Your Death”

This evening, as I was driving home, I felt the light go out.

I just had to give up a dog I recently adopted after discovering I have exercise-induced asthma. My job has been boring and unfulfilling, but I’m not good enough for anything else. Furthermore, the team cohesiveness I once enjoyed is long gone. Hardly anybody talks to anybody else anymore. I have struggled to make connections with others all my life, and now that Loki’s gone (weird name for a dog, eh?), I don’t have anybody.

I’ve been thinking about what’s going to happen when the last three people in my family are gone. I will be alone. What is there for me? Who is there for me?

I felt the Invincible Summer leave. I’ve watched Sharabha go and that’s exactly what I wanted. After so many years of forced near-solitary confinement, the powers that be have finally succeeded in making me want to be alone. I have no energy for anything else.

So fake your death, or it’s your blame,
and leave the lights on when you stay.
Take off your clothes, and dream that fame.
C’mon and feel that shame.

It took a good five minutes before I found the strength to leave my car, because I realized there was literally nothing different about me being there in my car and here in my apartment. I am utterly defeated.

Somewhere along the path to Bubastis, I took a wrong turn, and ever since then I have been making wrong turn after wrong turn, to the point where I’m disgusted with the whole trip. I’ll sink my roots here and declare my journey done early. There’s no point. This journey stopped being enjoyable almost two years ago.

All I want to do is go to sleep and not wake up. I want to be left alone. I want to do the bare minimum at my job and then sit in my apartment, watching the same YouTube videos that I’ve been watching for the past two or three years. Maybe I’ll get another dog, maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll eventually stop eating like I want, maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll make it to the end of the year, maybe I won’t. Point being that I don’t have what it takes to go on.

At the beginning, things looked so hopeful. It looked as if perseverance would pay off. It hasn’t. The only thing that happens is I go headfirst from one personal disaster to the next. I have no social net, no one to talk to, and I am about to break. Happiness doesn’t last long for me. It goes so, so quickly. Life goes so, so quickly. I look back on twenty-six years and can count on one hand the times I’ve been really, truly happy. I think about the last time I was part of something and the last thing I can remember was in 1998. I was eight years old, then, and I was going to be a rock star, astronaut, and famous writer.

What a waste of life.

If I had the strength, I would be gone.

Some people watch, some people pray,
but even lights can fade away.
Some people hope, some people pay,
but why’d we have to stay?

‘Cause even heroes get the blues,
or any misery you choose.
You like to watch, we like to use.
And we were born to lose.

I choose defeat,
I walk away,
and leave this place
the same today.
Some like to sleep,
some like to play.
Just look at all that pain.

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The Killing Lights and the Healing Lights

The nicest thing I’ve done for myself over the past couple of weeks is block a ton of people who post in my tags. What did these people do? Nothing–not a single god damn thing. In fact, I once admired many of them when I was just starting out and before I realized I was listening to them rather than my own heart in matters where the heart should have the first and last word. And gods!–how tired am I of the endless bickering that goes on! I’m so tired of trying to join this dog and pony show, where I’m not even another face in the crowd. I’m the one in the back shoveling horse shit.

I’ve done the same thing with a lot of people IRL as much as is possible. Gentle fadeouts or cold shoulders for every roadblock on my path! Push, push, push everything into the abyss. Oh, what? You were there for me? Then why were you so close the abyss anyway? That group of people over there–they stay, they’re not going in. Why aren’t you there? Off you go! There’s no smoke because there were no bridges to burn in the first place.

Lord, take this shovel and take my darkness and have them sent to the coppersmiths. Let me wash my hands and serve you your offerings on a silver platter instead!

Anyway, onto the real reason I decided to write this post.

I’ve been pushing my BoDO reading as hard and far as it will go and am finding that the vocabulary I need to express my understanding of where I am in life is not seated in Hinduism. It is firmly seated in Kemeticism and I’ve yet to find suitable Hindu replacements. This makes sense, of course. We’re talking about two different cultures that situate themselves differently in the divine cosmos (although there are so many similarities in threw me off at first). This is the consequence of using a Kemetic oracle, as well. But I’m still glad I did. Despite the fact I’ve been away from Kemeticism a long time, its symbolism speaks very deeply to me. The Netjeru, though they will only rarely deign to hear me now, have voices that I can almost clearly hear.

So the question: how do I express the killing lights and the healing lights?

That is, how do I express Zep Tepi?

For those who don’t know, Zep Tepi is the First Time, when the world was created fresh and new. The very first Zep Tepi world–when Atum rose from the abyss–was, for a short time, without wrongdoing and lying. Even though there was a first First Time, Zep Tepi happens again and again every day, unceasingly, thanks to an oft-forgotten beetle called Khepri(-Ra). There is an implicit promise of Zep Tepi (implicit that it occurred in the “mythic timeline”, and anything during this timeline tends to repeat itself endlessly) that Khepri makes good on every day. Khepri is the process through which the formless gains form. It is Khepri’s power of inner transformation and direction that brings the sun out of the body of his mother day after day.

That which Khepri does not want to bring into being does not gain form. I’m talking, of course, about Ap-p and his confederates. Zep Tepi is killing and healing daily.

And this gives me hope.

I live on the third floor of a large apartment complex. My window faces east. So, every morning as I get ready for the day, Khepri’s work and Zep Tepi’s promise floods my apartment. As I descend the eastern stairs, they blind with beauty and brilliance. As I pull out of the complex and start the short trip to the highway, they make me squint like an old cowboy with their endless, insistent power.

In my BoDO reading, Khepri appeared as a guide for future actions and as the energies needed to make the future happen. Now I understand that I need to believe in Zep Tepi (or whatever Hinduism’s equivalent is). I need to believe that, every day, the world is more or less new, the Fallen One is vanquished, and I can be different. I have to have faith that Zep Tepi applies to people even like me. So I don’t have to be who I am. I don’t have to do what I always did.

So even when things are difficult, even when things look like they’re at their lowest, I can remember Zep Tepi.

Zep Tepi is, to me, a great type of heka (there’s another word I wish Hinduism had an analog for). But unlike most other types of heka, which you command, Zep Tepi heka requires you to be a conduit. And that’s where the faith comes in. You have to believe that the day is new, that its energies are new, and that you can be a conduit for those energies so you can do amazing things. You have to believe that yes, you are a worthy conduit. You too are beautiful and important and the divine will happily express itself through you if you let it.

Zep Tepi gives all of the power to transform ourselves, via Khepri, the god who delivers on Zep Tepi’s promise day after day without complaint. I used to think it was weird how Khepri could sometimes be depicted with wings. Now that I’ve seen the killing lights and the healing lights, I understand. Khepri’s wings are healing, protection, power, and freedom–all things that can be achieved in Zep Tepi.

I’ve been awfully tired lately–so tired I’ve been holding off on most of my spiritual schedule. There was a fiasco at work, and sleep hasn’t been coming easy. But every morning is Zep Tepi. Tomorrow morning, I will do my best to be a conduit for it and move past all these things.

There are killing lights beyond the healing lights
and there is no difference between them at all.
No difference. No difference, at all.

What do you think of this?

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Let the Light In

When you see yourself in a crowded room,
do your fingers itch? Are you pistol-whipped?
Do you step in line or release the glitch?
Can you fall asleep with a panic switch?

–Silversun Pickups, “Panic Switch”

Once, before pulling Ap-p with the BoDO, I pulled the Moon in a three-card reading about obstacles standing in my way. It wasn’t entirely clear to me just what overarching path the tarot was seeing, but after thinking about it in the context of the BoDO, things made sense.

By chance I also rediscovered the book to my BoDO. This is how Ap-p was described:

Oppression. The surfacing of unconscious fears and memories that must be confronted.

That. . . describes the Moon’s more negative aspects perfectly well. Between the two, you get an image of a person who pushes down the unpleasant aspects of their mind to their detriment. You get an image of a person who self-harms (physically, emotionally, and/or psychologically), who poisons themselves and others, and who is self-deluded. You see a person in an incredibly stressful situation where their own delusion has trapped them in an endless cycle of misery.

All of this has led to me trying to be more mindful about my speech, my temper, my words, my actions. It’s also made me start meditating again, and practicing with this interesting shield thing I made. It’s inspired me to be more motivated about my career, and more careful, thoughtful, and purposeful with my spiritual path.

But all of this has left me wondering if there’s such a thing as remaking yourself, or as starting all over again anew. Is there such a thing as rebirth? I was lucky enough to find someone who is the most meaningful promise that these things do, indeed, exist, and the energy to make them happen is as much within yourself as it is without it.

I’ve also been pulling a tarot card every night, asking what lesson I need to reflect on. (I usually draw the five, then interpret them all on Saturday or Sunday.) I’ve pulled numerous Major Arcana cards.

I decided to use this morning’s card as last night’s lesson, as my night was taken up with talking to my mom.

The Sun. I pulled the Sun.

As I reflected on the card and what it might mean, I’m not ashamed to admit my eyes filled up with tears. I’ve been in the dark so long, even a sliver of the sun is so welcome. Even if it’s only for a day.

The Sun, to me, is clarity and maturity. It’s about new growth and recreating yourself and enjoying all the experiences and benefits thereof. From the BoDO reading, it’s clear to me that the transformation I seek is within, and that I need to be in this for the long haul.

And meanwhile, the sun rises and sets, rises and sets, rises and sets–always the same promise, without end. . . .

I fell towards the fire,
shielding myself from sin.
Things are looking brighter.
This is how I want to live

–Dredg, “Hungover on a Tuesday”

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Heaven Help Us Now

Two nights ago, I had a dream that continues to bother me. I also had another one last night, but unfortunately it vaporized before the left side of my brain could commit it to “verbalizable” memory.

In this dream, I was packing some stuff into my car. I was at my grandparents’ house, packing tons of junk into my car.

Some Indians (actual Indians. . . not Native Americans) stopped in front of the house across the street. They were towing a trailer that looked a lot like a tag, but was definitely longer and flatter.

An Indian woman came up to me and said something about me going to Hawaii. I brushed her off and moved to the passenger side of the car, fiddling with something there.

An Indian man, very dark actually, was on the other side, rummaging through the backseat. He pulled out two containers filled with pocket change and held them up to me with a questioning look on his face. I lost my shit because it was valuable or something. I told him to put those down, get away, etc.

Then I woke up.

For related reasons, I decided to do a reading using the Book of Doors Oracle. The BoDO is a Kemetic oracle more than anything else, but like Galaxy Tarot, it tells you how it is. It’s a smart deck and has been my favorite ever since I got interested in divination. Anyway, I did the sacred spread, meaning I pulled ten cards. Meaning I’m not going to belabor over them in detail–with some exceptions.

I pulled Ap-p. I pulled the fucking Fallen One.


I am the one who chose my path,
I am the one who couldn’t last.
I feel the life pulled from me.
I feel the anger changing me.

–Korn, “Did My Time”

Save for this one card, all the cards in the BoDO have some redeeming quality. Set heralds dynamic, if painful, change. Mafdet represents punishment, but like a cool breeze she also represents wrongs being swept away. Bast and Sekhmet have painful, burning qualities, and yet they are also the cure for those burns. Nun suggests everything you’ve worked on being washed away, but that leaves you with a clean slate.

But Ap-p. This one has NO redeeming qualities.

This card is the person who drinks themselves to death. Or the person who beats their kids, or murders people for the hell of it. In a less dire sense, this card represents a self-sabotager, someone filled with so much hate they’re literally destroying themselves from the inside out. This card represents a poison that must be purged. It represents a situation or attitude from which nothing can be salvaged.

Overall, ancient Egyptian–and therefore Kemetic–thought is very positive. So when you run across something that’s 100% negative, you know it’s bad.

Ap-p appeared in one of the last positions, which is described as “how the querent acts in certain circumstances”. This card worries me so much it’s pushed most of the other nine cards out of my mind for now. You don’t want this card showing up in a reading regarding yourself.


Hiding inside the horrible weather,
we’ll watch it all come down.

–My American Heart, “Hiding Inside the Horrible Weather”

I am worried that Shesmu 42 and Djehuty showed up twice, though. Djehuty is actually a rather positive card. He’s wisdom, communication, mediation, restoration, etc. He appeared as the Sirius card–the cause of the entire situation, and then appeared again in the position described as “past actions and their current influence”. Unfortunately, in the BoDO, this means Djehuty is a “wildcard” here. Anything good or bad could happen and it’s important to be ready for it.

Shesmu 42 refers to the judges during the Weighing of the Heart. This card implies judgment and an important test. This card makes me nervous as hell because it’s often someone else doing the testing and judging. I don’t want to tell you what happens when you’re founding wanting. Let’s just say it’s not fun.

Shesmu 42 also showed up twice. It showed up in the position described as “the past and its effect on the present” as well as in the position described as “what can be done to accomplish goals”. Since I already used the one wildcard in the deck, I had to roll again and got Nun.

To me that says the way to go is to wipe the slate clean. Just shove everything into the abyss and start again. And it seems I’m being permitted to do so. But there’s also the wildcard layer–anything good or bad can happen–and perhaps I’m being watched. Judged. Perhaps whatever good or bad happens will be, largely, due to my decisions?
Due to my ability or inability to silence the Fallen One (or the relevant equivalent, I suppose), slinking through my heart?

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On the Way Down

Just fiddling with a reading I did about the dream that told me to change. Just laying down some thoughts before I have to leave for the next four days or so.

I did one of those past-present-future spreads because I like the broad overlook it gives you in a situation without the complication of other spreads such as the Celtic Cross.

So, I pulled 6 of Swords reversed, the Hanged Man, and the Knight of Pentacles.

6 of Swords, whether upright or reversed, is about letting go of something, or your inability to do so. 6 of Swords is someone fairly or unfairly holding onto a burden to hurt themselves or others and it’s time to let go. This card is also a reminder that there are better things in the future if you only let yourself enjoy them.

There’s definitely been a long process of grieving and lettings things go for me. I really turned my life around, upside down, and then shook it like a spider in a tupperware just for kicks. That’s led to a lot of good things, but it’s also lead to a lot of depressing realizations. Time has passed, however, and I’m starting to move past it.

The middle card is the Hanged Man. Whenever I see that card, I hear that “Let It Go” song. Let it go and look deep inside. Knowing Galaxy Tarot, it’s asking me what I think needs to change. I’m being asked to let go of everything else I’ve been clutching to my chest. If I can do that, then I’ll finally be able to gain the introspection needed to push on.

Also, the Hanged Man is reminiscent of Odin’s story, and Odin always makes me think of Shiva. I think it’s hilarious how I always seem to think of these things.

The last card is the Knight of Pentacles, who is very dependable, methodical, and moves at whatever pace he damn well pleases. Pentacles to me are about material comfort, safety, and wealth, as well as having your feet on the ground and your head out of the clouds. The Knight of Pentacles is very practical, and I think the change I make will have to be practical as well.

Given my history, I think I need to make sure that I stay comfortable and sane as I move forward. In the past I’ve been pushed and pushed myself into things I wasn’t comfortable with yet and instead of raising a stink like I should have, I went forward. The Knight of Pentacles reminds me that my comfort and safety are important, too.

I think the Knight is also a reminder not to disrupt any other things that are in place that are currently working. Sometimes it’s good to make a super-disruptive change in life, while other times it really is best to change only very small things.

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More Dreams

This time I had another dream.

In this dream, I was ill and there was an old man from Shriner’s who wanted to help me.

Suddenly, I realized I was in the backseat of my car with this man I didn’t know. So I told him to stop. Panic set in. He tried to calm me down but, as he took a corner at maybe five an hour, I opened the door and rolled out.

Then I ran toward a group of people, screaming for help. “Someone’s screaming for help,” they said.

Somehow, I ended up with the man again. We were standing in a hotel room. He was disgusted, saying something about Italy. The Shriner man dropped a healthcare card that apparently authorized him to help anyone he wanted. Afterwards he left in, if possible, even more disgust.

The police were summoned, I talked to them awhile before waking up.

When I woke up, I looked up who the Shriner’s are and about barked when I realized.

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An Injunction

And don’t let futile fears
hide the light inside of you.
I won’t forget you.
I will praise you
to the rhythm of this song.

It didn’t occur to me what the dream was trying to say until some reflection.

In my dream, one of my Chinese coworkers, Shawn (so called because we just can’t seem to pronounce the poor guy’s name correctly) approached me with one of those manilla envelopers that are so common in offices. He was complimenting me on my resume, how good the English was, etc. On the front of the enveloper was the word CHANGE in a big font.

Shawn pulled out my resume a little. My name was written at the top of it, also in big font. Then he handed the envelope to my boss, who smiled. There was someone else there, too. Can’t remember if it was some guy or some lady.

[Full Name]

It took awhile for that to really register.

Change what?

I’ve yet to do any divination on it. I’m tempted to use my Book of Doors oracle, because it’s such a talkative, wise deck, but I might just use Galaxy Tarot. Or maybe both just for GP.

I do know that something needs to change. Shiva may be a very kind, patient god, that doesn’t mean he’s going to put up with shit. I mean, for heaven’s sake, the same god who takes care of the animals and watches over his devotees will also destroy the world. He leads a host of ghouls. He’s all-devouring time and the substance from which all other substances spring.


Heaven help me.

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