Two nights ago, I had a dream that continues to bother me. I also had another one last night, but unfortunately it vaporized before the left side of my brain could commit it to “verbalizable” memory.
In this dream, I was packing some stuff into my car. I was at my grandparents’ house, packing tons of junk into my car.
Some Indians (actual Indians. . . not Native Americans) stopped in front of the house across the street. They were towing a trailer that looked a lot like a tag, but was definitely longer and flatter.
An Indian woman came up to me and said something about me going to Hawaii. I brushed her off and moved to the passenger side of the car, fiddling with something there.
An Indian man, very dark actually, was on the other side, rummaging through the backseat. He pulled out two containers filled with pocket change and held them up to me with a questioning look on his face. I lost my shit because it was valuable or something. I told him to put those down, get away, etc.
Then I woke up.
For related reasons, I decided to do a reading using the Book of Doors Oracle. The BoDO is a Kemetic oracle more than anything else, but like Galaxy Tarot, it tells you how it is. It’s a smart deck and has been my favorite ever since I got interested in divination. Anyway, I did the sacred spread, meaning I pulled ten cards. Meaning I’m not going to belabor over them in detail–with some exceptions.
I pulled Ap-p. I pulled the fucking Fallen One.
I am the one who chose my path,
I am the one who couldn’t last.
I feel the life pulled from me.
I feel the anger changing me.
–Korn, “Did My Time”
Save for this one card, all the cards in the BoDO have some redeeming quality. Set heralds dynamic, if painful, change. Mafdet represents punishment, but like a cool breeze she also represents wrongs being swept away. Bast and Sekhmet have painful, burning qualities, and yet they are also the cure for those burns. Nun suggests everything you’ve worked on being washed away, but that leaves you with a clean slate.
But Ap-p. This one has NO redeeming qualities.
This card is the person who drinks themselves to death. Or the person who beats their kids, or murders people for the hell of it. In a less dire sense, this card represents a self-sabotager, someone filled with so much hate they’re literally destroying themselves from the inside out. This card represents a poison that must be purged. It represents a situation or attitude from which nothing can be salvaged.
Overall, ancient Egyptian–and therefore Kemetic–thought is very positive. So when you run across something that’s 100% negative, you know it’s bad.
Ap-p appeared in one of the last positions, which is described as “how the querent acts in certain circumstances”. This card worries me so much it’s pushed most of the other nine cards out of my mind for now. You don’t want this card showing up in a reading regarding yourself.
Hiding inside the horrible weather,
we’ll watch it all come down.
–My American Heart, “Hiding Inside the Horrible Weather”
I am worried that Shesmu 42 and Djehuty showed up twice, though. Djehuty is actually a rather positive card. He’s wisdom, communication, mediation, restoration, etc. He appeared as the Sirius card–the cause of the entire situation, and then appeared again in the position described as “past actions and their current influence”. Unfortunately, in the BoDO, this means Djehuty is a “wildcard” here. Anything good or bad could happen and it’s important to be ready for it.
Shesmu 42 refers to the judges during the Weighing of the Heart. This card implies judgment and an important test. This card makes me nervous as hell because it’s often someone else doing the testing and judging. I don’t want to tell you what happens when you’re founding wanting. Let’s just say it’s not fun.
Shesmu 42 also showed up twice. It showed up in the position described as “the past and its effect on the present” as well as in the position described as “what can be done to accomplish goals”. Since I already used the one wildcard in the deck, I had to roll again and got Nun.
To me that says the way to go is to wipe the slate clean. Just shove everything into the abyss and start again. And it seems I’m being permitted to do so. But there’s also the wildcard layer–anything good or bad can happen–and perhaps I’m being watched. Judged. Perhaps whatever good or bad happens will be, largely, due to my decisions?
Due to my ability or inability to silence the Fallen One (or the relevant equivalent, I suppose), slinking through my heart?