Let the Light In

When you see yourself in a crowded room,
do your fingers itch? Are you pistol-whipped?
Do you step in line or release the glitch?
Can you fall asleep with a panic switch?

–Silversun Pickups, “Panic Switch”

Once, before pulling Ap-p with the BoDO, I pulled the Moon in a three-card reading about obstacles standing in my way. It wasn’t entirely clear to me just what overarching path the tarot was seeing, but after thinking about it in the context of the BoDO, things made sense.

By chance I also rediscovered the book to my BoDO. This is how Ap-p was described:

Oppression. The surfacing of unconscious fears and memories that must be confronted.

That. . . describes the Moon’s more negative aspects perfectly well. Between the two, you get an image of a person who pushes down the unpleasant aspects of their mind to their detriment. You get an image of a person who self-harms (physically, emotionally, and/or psychologically), who poisons themselves and others, and who is self-deluded. You see a person in an incredibly stressful situation where their own delusion has trapped them in an endless cycle of misery.

All of this has led to me trying to be more mindful about my speech, my temper, my words, my actions. It’s also made me start meditating again, and practicing with this interesting shield thing I made. It’s inspired me to be more motivated about my career, and more careful, thoughtful, and purposeful with my spiritual path.

But all of this has left me wondering if there’s such a thing as remaking yourself, or as starting all over again anew. Is there such a thing as rebirth? I was lucky enough to find someone who is the most meaningful promise that these things do, indeed, exist, and the energy to make them happen is as much within yourself as it is without it.

I’ve also been pulling a tarot card every night, asking what lesson I need to reflect on. (I usually draw the five, then interpret them all on Saturday or Sunday.) I’ve pulled numerous Major Arcana cards.

I decided to use this morning’s card as last night’s lesson, as my night was taken up with talking to my mom.

The Sun. I pulled the Sun.

As I reflected on the card and what it might mean, I’m not ashamed to admit my eyes filled up with tears. I’ve been in the dark so long, even a sliver of the sun is so welcome. Even if it’s only for a day.

The Sun, to me, is clarity and maturity. It’s about new growth and recreating yourself and enjoying all the experiences and benefits thereof. From the BoDO reading, it’s clear to me that the transformation I seek is within, and that I need to be in this for the long haul.

And meanwhile, the sun rises and sets, rises and sets, rises and sets–always the same promise, without end. . . .

I fell towards the fire,
shielding myself from sin.
Things are looking brighter.
This is how I want to live

–Dredg, “Hungover on a Tuesday”

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Heaven Help Us Now

Two nights ago, I had a dream that continues to bother me. I also had another one last night, but unfortunately it vaporized before the left side of my brain could commit it to “verbalizable” memory.

In this dream, I was packing some stuff into my car. I was at my grandparents’ house, packing tons of junk into my car.

Some Indians (actual Indians. . . not Native Americans) stopped in front of the house across the street. They were towing a trailer that looked a lot like a tag, but was definitely longer and flatter.

An Indian woman came up to me and said something about me going to Hawaii. I brushed her off and moved to the passenger side of the car, fiddling with something there.

An Indian man, very dark actually, was on the other side, rummaging through the backseat. He pulled out two containers filled with pocket change and held them up to me with a questioning look on his face. I lost my shit because it was valuable or something. I told him to put those down, get away, etc.

Then I woke up.

For related reasons, I decided to do a reading using the Book of Doors Oracle. The BoDO is a Kemetic oracle more than anything else, but like Galaxy Tarot, it tells you how it is. It’s a smart deck and has been my favorite ever since I got interested in divination. Anyway, I did the sacred spread, meaning I pulled ten cards. Meaning I’m not going to belabor over them in detail–with some exceptions.

I pulled Ap-p. I pulled the fucking Fallen One.

—————————————————————————————-

I am the one who chose my path,
I am the one who couldn’t last.
I feel the life pulled from me.
I feel the anger changing me.

–Korn, “Did My Time”

Save for this one card, all the cards in the BoDO have some redeeming quality. Set heralds dynamic, if painful, change. Mafdet represents punishment, but like a cool breeze she also represents wrongs being swept away. Bast and Sekhmet have painful, burning qualities, and yet they are also the cure for those burns. Nun suggests everything you’ve worked on being washed away, but that leaves you with a clean slate.

But Ap-p. This one has NO redeeming qualities.

This card is the person who drinks themselves to death. Or the person who beats their kids, or murders people for the hell of it. In a less dire sense, this card represents a self-sabotager, someone filled with so much hate they’re literally destroying themselves from the inside out. This card represents a poison that must be purged. It represents a situation or attitude from which nothing can be salvaged.

Overall, ancient Egyptian–and therefore Kemetic–thought is very positive. So when you run across something that’s 100% negative, you know it’s bad.

Ap-p appeared in one of the last positions, which is described as “how the querent acts in certain circumstances”. This card worries me so much it’s pushed most of the other nine cards out of my mind for now. You don’t want this card showing up in a reading regarding yourself.

———————————————————————————–

Hiding inside the horrible weather,
we’ll watch it all come down.

–My American Heart, “Hiding Inside the Horrible Weather”

I am worried that Shesmu 42 and Djehuty showed up twice, though. Djehuty is actually a rather positive card. He’s wisdom, communication, mediation, restoration, etc. He appeared as the Sirius card–the cause of the entire situation, and then appeared again in the position described as “past actions and their current influence”. Unfortunately, in the BoDO, this means Djehuty is a “wildcard” here. Anything good or bad could happen and it’s important to be ready for it.

Shesmu 42 refers to the judges during the Weighing of the Heart. This card implies judgment and an important test. This card makes me nervous as hell because it’s often someone else doing the testing and judging. I don’t want to tell you what happens when you’re founding wanting. Let’s just say it’s not fun.

Shesmu 42 also showed up twice. It showed up in the position described as “the past and its effect on the present” as well as in the position described as “what can be done to accomplish goals”. Since I already used the one wildcard in the deck, I had to roll again and got Nun.

To me that says the way to go is to wipe the slate clean. Just shove everything into the abyss and start again. And it seems I’m being permitted to do so. But there’s also the wildcard layer–anything good or bad can happen–and perhaps I’m being watched. Judged. Perhaps whatever good or bad happens will be, largely, due to my decisions?
Due to my ability or inability to silence the Fallen One (or the relevant equivalent, I suppose), slinking through my heart?

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On the Way Down

Just fiddling with a reading I did about the dream that told me to change. Just laying down some thoughts before I have to leave for the next four days or so.

I did one of those past-present-future spreads because I like the broad overlook it gives you in a situation without the complication of other spreads such as the Celtic Cross.

So, I pulled 6 of Swords reversed, the Hanged Man, and the Knight of Pentacles.

6 of Swords, whether upright or reversed, is about letting go of something, or your inability to do so. 6 of Swords is someone fairly or unfairly holding onto a burden to hurt themselves or others and it’s time to let go. This card is also a reminder that there are better things in the future if you only let yourself enjoy them.

There’s definitely been a long process of grieving and lettings things go for me. I really turned my life around, upside down, and then shook it like a spider in a tupperware just for kicks. That’s led to a lot of good things, but it’s also lead to a lot of depressing realizations. Time has passed, however, and I’m starting to move past it.

The middle card is the Hanged Man. Whenever I see that card, I hear that “Let It Go” song. Let it go and look deep inside. Knowing Galaxy Tarot, it’s asking me what I think needs to change. I’m being asked to let go of everything else I’ve been clutching to my chest. If I can do that, then I’ll finally be able to gain the introspection needed to push on.

Also, the Hanged Man is reminiscent of Odin’s story, and Odin always makes me think of Shiva. I think it’s hilarious how I always seem to think of these things.

The last card is the Knight of Pentacles, who is very dependable, methodical, and moves at whatever pace he damn well pleases. Pentacles to me are about material comfort, safety, and wealth, as well as having your feet on the ground and your head out of the clouds. The Knight of Pentacles is very practical, and I think the change I make will have to be practical as well.

Given my history, I think I need to make sure that I stay comfortable and sane as I move forward. In the past I’ve been pushed and pushed myself into things I wasn’t comfortable with yet and instead of raising a stink like I should have, I went forward. The Knight of Pentacles reminds me that my comfort and safety are important, too.

I think the Knight is also a reminder not to disrupt any other things that are in place that are currently working. Sometimes it’s good to make a super-disruptive change in life, while other times it really is best to change only very small things.

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More Dreams

This time I had another dream.

In this dream, I was ill and there was an old man from Shriner’s who wanted to help me.

Suddenly, I realized I was in the backseat of my car with this man I didn’t know. So I told him to stop. Panic set in. He tried to calm me down but, as he took a corner at maybe five an hour, I opened the door and rolled out.

Then I ran toward a group of people, screaming for help. “Someone’s screaming for help,” they said.

Somehow, I ended up with the man again. We were standing in a hotel room. He was disgusted, saying something about Italy. The Shriner man dropped a healthcare card that apparently authorized him to help anyone he wanted. Afterwards he left in, if possible, even more disgust.

The police were summoned, I talked to them awhile before waking up.

When I woke up, I looked up who the Shriner’s are and about barked when I realized.

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An Injunction

And don’t let futile fears
hide the light inside of you.
I won’t forget you.
I will praise you
to the rhythm of this song.

It didn’t occur to me what the dream was trying to say until some reflection.

In my dream, one of my Chinese coworkers, Shawn (so called because we just can’t seem to pronounce the poor guy’s name correctly) approached me with one of those manilla envelopers that are so common in offices. He was complimenting me on my resume, how good the English was, etc. On the front of the enveloper was the word CHANGE in a big font.

Shawn pulled out my resume a little. My name was written at the top of it, also in big font. Then he handed the envelope to my boss, who smiled. There was someone else there, too. Can’t remember if it was some guy or some lady.

[Full Name]
CHANGE

It took awhile for that to really register.

Change what?

I’ve yet to do any divination on it. I’m tempted to use my Book of Doors oracle, because it’s such a talkative, wise deck, but I might just use Galaxy Tarot. Or maybe both just for GP.

I do know that something needs to change. Shiva may be a very kind, patient god, that doesn’t mean he’s going to put up with shit. I mean, for heaven’s sake, the same god who takes care of the animals and watches over his devotees will also destroy the world. He leads a host of ghouls. He’s all-devouring time and the substance from which all other substances spring.

Damn.

Heaven help me.

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A Steep and Rocky Climb

Free spirit always lights me up
in the darkness of my thoughts.
Free spirit and magical,
you’re the hope inside me.

–DJ Raaban, “Anima Libera”

Last night, I think I had another dream about her. Unfortunately, I don’t really remember, I just woke up recalling a sort of . . . well, I don’t know how to put it into words. It was like looking back on a long day and realizing I didn’t remember anything about it, as if I’d walked through a mansion but remembered nothing of the rooms, or strolled through a garden and remembered nothing of the flowers.

Oh, I don’t know if I should care anyway. It kills me, you guys, it really does and I don’t understand why.

Really getting into Hinduism has been rough. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but my reticence is growing and I fear my resolve will go along with it. If I want to move forward in my spiritual path, I feel like I almost have to do it. There’s something here to learn.

But I had a dream a few weeks ago that made me feel so violated I’m hard-pressed to continue. Dreams are often just dreams, and my reaction has been silly. Perhaps writing about it will help.

The night I had this dream, I read the Shvetashvatara Upanishad–which is about the Lord of Love (who can be pretty much any god you want, but in this case the epithet refers to Shiva). I felt an extraordinary emotion run through me, then a sharp pang of female jealousy. Which is interesting, because that implies to me that male jealousy also has a distinct feel to it as well. Or perhaps it doesn’t. Moving on.

I went to bed and had a dream. In this dream, a woman was saying something like “nobody can move without him”.

Then I was in an evergreen forest. They might have been pine, or perhaps deodar. I don’t really know trees.

Shiva was standing with his limbs close to his body against one of these trees. He was mostly white, with brighter white marks, some blue, and some red. I couldn’t see him very well, which is pretty normal for me. I mean I don’t see well in dreams, nor do I hear well. I sense well.

For some reason, I’m reminded of Shiva in the Daruvana. For sure, the deodar trees (a kind of evergreen tree) were the setting of the Daruvana. Which is a bit disturbing, since Shiva in the Daruvana was definitely on the “less benign” side of his multi-varied nature.

There were numerous stone people in the forest. Shiva darted around, bringing them to life with a kiss.

The dream ended with a close up of him kissing someone–I don’t know who.

And I woke up feeling like my space had been desperately violated. I took a few hours to process this, then, on my way to work the next day, talked to Shiva about it. I mentioned how it bothered me, and how I wanted to take things even more slowly.

I can’t have people invading my space like that, not when I don’t know them. And for all I know it was some vague ghoul come to haunt my dreams, not Shiva. Despite that, I’ve not felt the same fondness for the blue-throated god since then (although I still like him quite a lot) and in that loss, I find myself filled with more  . . . confidence and respect, I guess. I’ve had to take a step back and try to really think about where Shiva fits in when it comes to the grand cosmos and while that has increased my admiration in many ways, it has not increased devotion. It has increased my reticence.

“Maybe you are searching among the branches, for what only appears in the roots.”
–Rumi

————————————————————————

I’ve moved into my beautiful new apartment. I’ve never lived in one that featured a fire place. It’s a nice fire place, with a sturdy wood mantel above it. It’s there that I’ve placed my two Bast statues and the Het-Heru statue that reminded me of Bast until I took it in my hands and got a very strong feeling that it was not Bast.

It feels more like a home.

No idea where I’m going in life but, having climbed my first mountain and traveled flatly a long way, I find myself at the base of another mountain, this one steeper and rockier than all the others. It is a mountain with which I’ll contend, even though there’s a large base camp filled with people like me who couldn’t be bothered or were otherwise too fearful.

I’m in an impure time right now, so I’ve been holding off on devotions. I could direct devotions to Goddess (I’ve always found goddesses more sympathetic to “that time” of the month), but to whom can I direct these devotions without thinking of Bast? To me, Bast has always been like Lalitha, Parvati, Durga, Kali, and so many others. How could I worship them with any feeling or devotion without thinking of Bast. Given time I can figure out how Lakshmi, Sarasvati, and virtually any other Devi remind me of Bast. It’s not a thing I can shut off or forget.

Someone once raised a thought with me–and I myself have thought of it, too–that perhaps I’ve been worshipping Devas all along and now that it’s time they’re trying to reveal themselves along with the next stage of my path. It seems a bit exotic to me, as if I were important enough to warrant such an undertaking.

In Hinduism, the idea is to find the form of God–the monistic God, not an individual god–that appeals to you most. If that’s so, then I found the form that appeals to me most a long time ago and it’s difficult to go against what the heart commands. I was curious if I could figure such a thing out at my age, and so I poked into dark corners thinking I’d find something new, only to be bitten by a viper. Since then everything I’ve touched has been poisoned.

Call off the cap-com,
tick off the time bomb.
Let felicity fly!
Armor the airlock,
blanket the bedrock,
and kiss the planet goodbye.

–Owl City, “Galaxies”

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don’t you know?

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