On the Way Down

Just fiddling with a reading I did about the dream that told me to change. Just laying down some thoughts before I have to leave for the next four days or so.

I did one of those past-present-future spreads because I like the broad overlook it gives you in a situation without the complication of other spreads such as the Celtic Cross.

So, I pulled 6 of Swords reversed, the Hanged Man, and the Knight of Pentacles.

6 of Swords, whether upright or reversed, is about letting go of something, or your inability to do so. 6 of Swords is someone fairly or unfairly holding onto a burden to hurt themselves or others and it’s time to let go. This card is also a reminder that there are better things in the future if you only let yourself enjoy them.

There’s definitely been a long process of grieving and lettings things go for me. I really turned my life around, upside down, and then shook it like a spider in a tupperware just for kicks. That’s led to a lot of good things, but it’s also lead to a lot of depressing realizations. Time has passed, however, and I’m starting to move past it.

The middle card is the Hanged Man. Whenever I see that card, I hear that “Let It Go” song. Let it go and look deep inside. Knowing Galaxy Tarot, it’s asking me what I think needs to change. I’m being asked to let go of everything else I’ve been clutching to my chest. If I can do that, then I’ll finally be able to gain the introspection needed to push on.

Also, the Hanged Man is reminiscent of Odin’s story, and Odin always makes me think of Shiva. I think it’s hilarious how I always seem to think of these things.

The last card is the Knight of Pentacles, who is very dependable, methodical, and moves at whatever pace he damn well pleases. Pentacles to me are about material comfort, safety, and wealth, as well as having your feet on the ground and your head out of the clouds. The Knight of Pentacles is very practical, and I think the change I make will have to be practical as well.

Given my history, I think I need to make sure that I stay comfortable and sane as I move forward. In the past I’ve been pushed and pushed myself into things I wasn’t comfortable with yet and instead of raising a stink like I should have, I went forward. The Knight of Pentacles reminds me that my comfort and safety are important, too.

I think the Knight is also a reminder not to disrupt any other things that are in place that are currently working. Sometimes it’s good to make a super-disruptive change in life, while other times it really is best to change only very small things.

Posted in A Demure Disciple, Deities, Hinduism, Personal | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

More Dreams

This time I had another dream.

In this dream, I was ill and there was an old man from Shriner’s who wanted to help me.

Suddenly, I realized I was in the backseat of my car with this man I didn’t know. So I told him to stop. Panic set in. He tried to calm me down but, as he took a corner at maybe five an hour, I opened the door and rolled out.

Then I ran toward a group of people, screaming for help. “Someone’s screaming for help,” they said.

Somehow, I ended up with the man again. We were standing in a hotel room. He was disgusted, saying something about Italy. The Shriner man dropped a healthcare card that apparently authorized him to help anyone he wanted. Afterwards he left in, if possible, even more disgust.

The police were summoned, I talked to them awhile before waking up.

When I woke up, I looked up who the Shriner’s are and about barked when I realized.

Posted in Spirituality | 1 Comment

An Injunction

And don’t let futile fears
hide the light inside of you.
I won’t forget you.
I will praise you
to the rhythm of this song.

It didn’t occur to me what the dream was trying to say until some reflection.

In my dream, one of my Chinese coworkers, Shawn (so called because we just can’t seem to pronounce the poor guy’s name correctly) approached me with one of those manilla envelopers that are so common in offices. He was complimenting me on my resume, how good the English was, etc. On the front of the enveloper was the word CHANGE in a big font.

Shawn pulled out my resume a little. My name was written at the top of it, also in big font. Then he handed the envelope to my boss, who smiled. There was someone else there, too. Can’t remember if it was some guy or some lady.

[Full Name]
CHANGE

It took awhile for that to really register.

Change what?

I’ve yet to do any divination on it. I’m tempted to use my Book of Doors oracle, because it’s such a talkative, wise deck, but I might just use Galaxy Tarot. Or maybe both just for GP.

I do know that something needs to change. Shiva may be a very kind, patient god, that doesn’t mean he’s going to put up with shit. I mean, for heaven’s sake, the same god who takes care of the animals and watches over his devotees will also destroy the world. He leads a host of ghouls. He’s all-devouring time and the substance from which all other substances spring.

Damn.

Heaven help me.

Posted in A Demure Disciple, Hinduism, Personal, Spirituality | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

A Steep and Rocky Climb

Free spirit always lights me up
in the darkness of my thoughts.
Free spirit and magical,
you’re the hope inside me.

–DJ Raaban, “Anima Libera”

Last night, I think I had another dream about her. Unfortunately, I don’t really remember, I just woke up recalling a sort of . . . well, I don’t know how to put it into words. It was like looking back on a long day and realizing I didn’t remember anything about it, as if I’d walked through a mansion but remembered nothing of the rooms, or strolled through a garden and remembered nothing of the flowers.

Oh, I don’t know if I should care anyway. It kills me, you guys, it really does and I don’t understand why.

Really getting into Hinduism has been rough. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but my reticence is growing and I fear my resolve will go along with it. If I want to move forward in my spiritual path, I feel like I almost have to do it. There’s something here to learn.

But I had a dream a few weeks ago that made me feel so violated I’m hard-pressed to continue. Dreams are often just dreams, and my reaction has been silly. Perhaps writing about it will help.

The night I had this dream, I read the Shvetashvatara Upanishad–which is about the Lord of Love (who can be pretty much any god you want, but in this case the epithet refers to Shiva). I felt an extraordinary emotion run through me, then a sharp pang of female jealousy. Which is interesting, because that implies to me that male jealousy also has a distinct feel to it as well. Or perhaps it doesn’t. Moving on.

I went to bed and had a dream. In this dream, a woman was saying something like “nobody can move without him”.

Then I was in an evergreen forest. They might have been pine, or perhaps deodar. I don’t really know trees.

Shiva was standing with his limbs close to his body against one of these trees. He was mostly white, with brighter white marks, some blue, and some red. I couldn’t see him very well, which is pretty normal for me. I mean I don’t see well in dreams, nor do I hear well. I sense well.

For some reason, I’m reminded of Shiva in the Daruvana. For sure, the deodar trees (a kind of evergreen tree) were the setting of the Daruvana. Which is a bit disturbing, since Shiva in the Daruvana was definitely on the “less benign” side of his multi-varied nature.

There were numerous stone people in the forest. Shiva darted around, bringing them to life with a kiss.

The dream ended with a close up of him kissing someone–I don’t know who.

And I woke up feeling like my space had been desperately violated. I took a few hours to process this, then, on my way to work the next day, talked to Shiva about it. I mentioned how it bothered me, and how I wanted to take things even more slowly.

I can’t have people invading my space like that, not when I don’t know them. And for all I know it was some vague ghoul come to haunt my dreams, not Shiva. Despite that, I’ve not felt the same fondness for the blue-throated god since then (although I still like him quite a lot) and in that loss, I find myself filled with more  . . . confidence and respect, I guess. I’ve had to take a step back and try to really think about where Shiva fits in when it comes to the grand cosmos and while that has increased my admiration in many ways, it has not increased devotion. It has increased my reticence.

“Maybe you are searching among the branches, for what only appears in the roots.”
–Rumi

————————————————————————

I’ve moved into my beautiful new apartment. I’ve never lived in one that featured a fire place. It’s a nice fire place, with a sturdy wood mantel above it. It’s there that I’ve placed my two Bast statues and the Het-Heru statue that reminded me of Bast until I took it in my hands and got a very strong feeling that it was not Bast.

It feels more like a home.

No idea where I’m going in life but, having climbed my first mountain and traveled flatly a long way, I find myself at the base of another mountain, this one steeper and rockier than all the others. It is a mountain with which I’ll contend, even though there’s a large base camp filled with people like me who couldn’t be bothered or were otherwise too fearful.

I’m in an impure time right now, so I’ve been holding off on devotions. I could direct devotions to Goddess (I’ve always found goddesses more sympathetic to “that time” of the month), but to whom can I direct these devotions without thinking of Bast? To me, Bast has always been like Lalitha, Parvati, Durga, Kali, and so many others. How could I worship them with any feeling or devotion without thinking of Bast. Given time I can figure out how Lakshmi, Sarasvati, and virtually any other Devi remind me of Bast. It’s not a thing I can shut off or forget.

Someone once raised a thought with me–and I myself have thought of it, too–that perhaps I’ve been worshipping Devas all along and now that it’s time they’re trying to reveal themselves along with the next stage of my path. It seems a bit exotic to me, as if I were important enough to warrant such an undertaking.

In Hinduism, the idea is to find the form of God–the monistic God, not an individual god–that appeals to you most. If that’s so, then I found the form that appeals to me most a long time ago and it’s difficult to go against what the heart commands. I was curious if I could figure such a thing out at my age, and so I poked into dark corners thinking I’d find something new, only to be bitten by a viper. Since then everything I’ve touched has been poisoned.

Call off the cap-com,
tick off the time bomb.
Let felicity fly!
Armor the airlock,
blanket the bedrock,
and kiss the planet goodbye.

–Owl City, “Galaxies”

Posted in A Demure Disciple, Bast, Deities, Hinduism, Personal, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

don’t you know?

Posted in Spirituality | Leave a comment

The Invincible Summer

Don’t panic. No, not yet.
I know I’m the one you want to forget.
Cue all the love to leave my heart.
It’s time for me to fall apart.

Now you’re gone, but I’ll be okay.
Your hot whiskey eyes have fanned the flames.
Maybe I’ll burn a little brighter tonight.
Let the fire breathe me back to life.

Kicked out of my apartment and temporarily sprawled all over my grandparents’ space, I find . . . quite a lot that I’ve forgotten I’ve owned. Mostly my Egyptology books, all loaded in a bag, feeling like a sack of rocks for all the weight.

And still there were more I wanted to get, because I loved the Netjeru. Because I loved Bast most.

I had a dream awhile ago that She’s still in my life. For the most part, I don’t doubt. In an oracle reading, She was also the “penultimate” card I pulled. But the fact is, it’s been quite a long time that I’ve really . . . I don’t know how to word it.

Rumi once said that where our wound is the Light enters. I’ve been feeling wounded and disgraced since the beginning of May and Bast is wandering through the through–and through. She is the “Invincible Summer” that lives in all of us. She casts a healing light whose function, the more I think of it, is to illumine the darkness, not banish or destroy it. Bast shows us our darkness so we can see the shape of it. Like mouna for Shiva, the Invincible Summer (and there’s another name for Her) puts you face to face with the emptiness. She does that because the emptiness is the Fallen One, who eats everything, leaving nothing behind.

We have to fight that darkness ourselves. All we can do is use the tools we’ve made and, on occasion, been given after much effort.

I don’t think I believe it’s actually Bast stopping by; however, I’ve found myself missing Her light when I’d been okay without Her before. And for sure the Invincible Summer has servants to pass along messages, and that, I assume, is what I’ve gotten: a message. A lightly perfumed message, beckoning me to lose what little focus I’ve managed to gain for the sake of the blue-throated god. It’s not that anything means anything–I just feel listless and sad.

For sure, I’m not Hers anymore. The necklace that I once wore in Her honor broke shortly before I put aside all my Kemetic things and Shiva called. And again, I just feel listless and sad.

Baby, you were my picket fence.
I miss missing you now and then.
Chlorine-kissed summer skin–
I miss missing you now and then.

–FOB, “Miss Missing You”

I think I’m going to have to get used to the fact that I’m incredibly sensitive to major “tonal” shifts in the energies around me. That’s what this basically is. And it’s hard not to let it sweep me off the narrow road.

The message doesn’t seem . . . particularly urgent? It doesn’t impose itself upon me much at all. It’s more like the vague halo of uneasiness that follows after a moonlight tryst. It may, in fact, be best to brush this one aside. No more Kemeticism, because I am not Kemetic. I’m not, in particular, Hindu either. Nor am I a pagan, or a polytheist, or a monist, or a monotheist, or an atheist, agnostic, apatheist–whatever. I want to be a sort of lover, I suppose. There’s no better term for it.

Anyway, there was no real reason to write this other than it helps with the focus to write things down. I guess one of the underlying messages here is the past, while you may be done with it, may not necessarily be done with you–and why would you want to escape the summertime?

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and rightdoing there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.

–Rumi

Posted in A Demure Disciple, Bast, Deities, Hinduism, Kemeticism, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

stay open…

Originally posted on Known is a drop, Unknown is an Ocean:

Stay open and quiet, that is all. What you seek is so near you that there is no place for a way.

~ Nisargadatta Maharaj

View original

Posted in Spirituality | Leave a comment