When you see yourself in a crowded room,
do your fingers itch? Are you pistol-whipped?
Do you step in line or release the glitch?
Can you fall asleep with a panic switch?
–Silversun Pickups, “Panic Switch”
Once, before pulling Ap-p with the BoDO, I pulled the Moon in a three-card reading about obstacles standing in my way. It wasn’t entirely clear to me just what overarching path the tarot was seeing, but after thinking about it in the context of the BoDO, things made sense.
By chance I also rediscovered the book to my BoDO. This is how Ap-p was described:
Oppression. The surfacing of unconscious fears and memories that must be confronted.
That. . . describes the Moon’s more negative aspects perfectly well. Between the two, you get an image of a person who pushes down the unpleasant aspects of their mind to their detriment. You get an image of a person who self-harms (physically, emotionally, and/or psychologically), who poisons themselves and others, and who is self-deluded. You see a person in an incredibly stressful situation where their own delusion has trapped them in an endless cycle of misery.
All of this has led to me trying to be more mindful about my speech, my temper, my words, my actions. It’s also made me start meditating again, and practicing with this interesting shield thing I made. It’s inspired me to be more motivated about my career, and more careful, thoughtful, and purposeful with my spiritual path.
But all of this has left me wondering if there’s such a thing as remaking yourself, or as starting all over again anew. Is there such a thing as rebirth? I was lucky enough to find someone who is the most meaningful promise that these things do, indeed, exist, and the energy to make them happen is as much within yourself as it is without it.
I’ve also been pulling a tarot card every night, asking what lesson I need to reflect on. (I usually draw the five, then interpret them all on Saturday or Sunday.) I’ve pulled numerous Major Arcana cards.
I decided to use this morning’s card as last night’s lesson, as my night was taken up with talking to my mom.
The Sun. I pulled the Sun.
As I reflected on the card and what it might mean, I’m not ashamed to admit my eyes filled up with tears. I’ve been in the dark so long, even a sliver of the sun is so welcome. Even if it’s only for a day.
The Sun, to me, is clarity and maturity. It’s about new growth and recreating yourself and enjoying all the experiences and benefits thereof. From the BoDO reading, it’s clear to me that the transformation I seek is within, and that I need to be in this for the long haul.
And meanwhile, the sun rises and sets, rises and sets, rises and sets–always the same promise, without end. . . .
I fell towards the fire,
shielding myself from sin.
Things are looking brighter.
This is how I want to live
–Dredg, “Hungover on a Tuesday”