I would swallow my pride, I would choke on the rinds,
but the lack thereof would leave me empty inside.
Swallow my doubt, turn it inside out.
Today, I feel pulled hither and thither by my feelings. In some cases, they make me want to act immediately. Some of these feelings make me feel embarrassed so utterly that you couldn’t pay me to get me to detail them here.
In the spirit of this week of clarity and self care, I’ve been scolding myself like a little child. There are reasons.
- I am not comfortable with my emotions. My feelings have rarely been respected or considered, not to mention sometimes feelings aren’t nice things to deal with. So now I observe these feelings as if they’re animals. And I see there’s no goddamn reason to be so fucking weird about them.
- I don’t have time for this shit. Back when I was in school, I had hours to whittle away obsessing over this and that, destroying my life as I went. Now. . . I have to make money, bread, moolah, green, scratch to keep this roof over my head. Not to mention careers, 401Ks, Roth IRAs, and some sort of life that doesn’t revolve around me being a complete loser.
- I don’t want to live like this anymore. For those of you out there who are relatively healthy or at least have decent emotional regulation (which, let’s face it, is the vast majority of you), you have no idea what it is to be in turmoil constantly, day after day.
I burn, burn like a wicker cabinet,
chalk-white and oh so frail.
I see our time has gotten stale.
The tick-tock of the clock is painful,
all sane and logical.
I want to tear it off the wall.
I hear words in clips and phrases.
I think sick like ginger ale.
My stomach turns and I exhale.
There’s one particular feeling that keeps jabbing me with a fork. If I recall, it’s something similar from years ago. This time, however, it’s so much sharper because there’s clarity. There’s a layer of maturity, of steadiness, of ripeness that has changed this feeling into something that’s just as uncomfortable as before, yet somehow more something-or-another. Don’t have the vocabulary for it.
Somewhere between those years and now, I gained better emotional regulation, decided to view my emotions from the outside and. . . I think I’m in love? Or am feeling it? Or something like it?
Or maybe not that. Something akin to it.
I think I’ve been that way before? I think I’ve realized that before?
Again, in the interest of Maatian clarity. . . what?
Some part of me suspects that, deep down, some mysterious force in the universe has been asking me to admit something that I’ve been alternately too afraid to admit to and had no clue what I was supposed to admit to in the first place. Why does it bother me? Why did it bother me in the past? Because I’d have to admit the truth? Because I’d have to face the abyss, speak up, and wonder? Because I’d have to remember something that I held onto because-because-because?
And suppose this is a thing, what am I supposed to do with it? Not eat it or suppress it, of course, but beyond that, what do I do? It’s not like you can type “I think I’m in love” into Google and get anything useful. (I know because I did it. . . which is a behavior that becomes ingrained in your fingers when you’re a software developer. I digress.)
Again, from the perspective of the AO, Maat is about radiance of the heart and seeing clearly, so what am I missing? Or, rather, what, exactly, do I refuse to be honest about with myself?
Have you ever seen a speck or floater in the corner of your vision that flitted away as soon as you turned to face it? That’s what I’m dealing with it now. In some ways, letting the whole damn thing out is just as bad as keeping it locked in. Based on the Bast card I pulled . . . I know I don’t have to tear it out of myself. There’s nothing wrong with backing off.
But I know I shouldn’t do that forever.
Through the dark
I met your gaze.
I remember like yesterday.
For in that time
a song did play
that will remind me
of that day.
At the same time, it seems ridiculous. As if I’ve hit upon the right general area and am now tasked with finding the specific area. On the same token, sometimes the sore spot is the target. Of course nobody wants you to jab at a sore spot until it bleeds. The chimera does not wish to be slain.
Perhaps this is something to pick up this week, then put down for awhile. Or forever.
Goddamn am I feeling the mortal version of that “holy longing” from the Bast card. Or perhaps I am imagining it all. There’s no reason to try to resolve it tonight.
I suspect there’s a truth buried somewhere here in the confusion that cannot be found by plunging into the confusion, by covering it up, or pondering it. Like swirling mud in a glass, it must be allowed to settle before you could hope to divine what’s at the bottom. Or you could pour out the whole fucking thing. Or smash the glass. That’s the nuclear option. One is bound to spill water or mud on something, or cut themselves.
Somewhere in the “Right Timing and Direction” card is my answer. Now, whether it’s fully complete and I can understand it is a whole other set of problems.
I feel like there’s an element of Amun-Ra’s hidden side here. Like, it’s not time yet. Or ever.
Khonsu as a wanderer/traveler could very well indicate I’m not figuring this out on a fucking Monday evening. There’s the exorcism element as well, and honoring the source of . . . er, what if it’s not just pain? What if it’s everything (with an emphasis on pain)? I like divination, except when it gets woobly like this.
And Sopdet . . . well, Sopdet says keep looking. Fuck.
The name of the card itself says a lot, too: “Right Timing and Direction”. As in “you’ll know when it’s time and when you put yourself in the right spot. Lol.” Trolling level: galactic.
I’m tempted to ask the AO about this . . . I dunno. Really, sometimes you’ve just gotta sit with your feelings. You’ve gotta feel your feelings, watch how they shift according to the day, or to what happens to you. Nothing wrong with sitting on this for another day or two. The AO’s been around for a couple of years and it’s certainly not leaving my apartment any time soon, I hope.
Plus, I don’t feel like taking my dog out early, showering early, and then trying to do a reading before bed. I get little enough sleep as it is already.
Of course, these are all excuses. Yes, they are.
Do you remember a promise you made?
For some reason that question just hit me.
In non-weird news, true to Maatian form, I’ve formed a general solution for a caching problem at work. Need to go over it with a coworker and our boss, but I think I’ve got the right idea and he will be happy with the layout. Better yet, it should be relatively simple to handle since we have sysadmins to do the nastier stuff and a script for parts of the rest of it. The bitch is going to be testing.