Who is more foolish: the child afraid of the dark, or the man afraid of the light?
— Maurice Freehill
Lethargics are to be laid in the light and exposed to the rays of the sun, for the disease is gloom.
I’ve been spending the past week working and playing Pokemon Sun and putting off thinking about that AO reading. Kind of stupid that I do this to myself, given the fact that, you know, this is going to affect me for the rest of the year.
I’ll start with work, because that’s easiest. To be honest, I just want to stay the course: work my ass off, learn lots of new stuff, build trust, maybe get a little salary bump at the end of the next year. If I can hit the next 5K I think I might like to get another dog. Something small and low maintenance, like a maltese. Then again that might pull too much time away from other stuff I need to. . . well, whatever the case, I will treat myself and maybe my family as well.
I want to build up a reputation at my work as a committed worker who is smart and gets things done. At the same time, I don’t want to be turned into a donkey because I literally can’t say no or set boundaries.
So far, I think I’m on the right track. I’ve been working my ass off on this cache thing, have made friends with my coworker, and even made a bit of friends with my boss! It’s only been three months, though, and my next project will have an even larger impact on the business if I’m smart about it. My plans for this year involve kicking ass on my cache and other, upcoming project by creating high quality, documented code.
Spiritually . . . if I’m being frank, I’ve been kind of avoiding it. It’s only been two months since my head set itself on right and I started doing stuff that’s proven. . . helpful in emotional and mental things. On the other hand, I’m starting to feel myself work into a groove. I’ve plateaued. It’s a small plateau, mind you, but nonetheless the first part of this mountain is behind me.
I guess what I should think about here is what I want to do and create. I need to let myself dream big without getting too egotistic, crazy, or deadly serious about it. I need to ask myself if my plans and goals are congruent with my beliefs, with my heart. If I follow what I set out for myself, will I be acting with integrity?
At the same time, I need to remember that “healing and growth” is the main theme of the coming year. I have a feeling “healing and growth” doesn’t just refer to within, but with the outer world with whom I’ve severed myself.
A meaningful spiritual practice would be a good, solid start, I think. For me personally, a good spiritual practice will include regular shrine work, reading, and continued divination and writing. I should keep up what I’ve been doing plus adding some mindfulness exercises. Though I don’t want to overwhelm myself. . . no reason to rush things. I’m thinking of something like:
- 5-minute body scan meditation
- 3-minute incense offerings to god
EVERY OTHER DAY
- 5-minute offerings to god
EVERY TUESDAY AND THURSDAY
- 10-minute mindfulness exercise
- 10-minute letter-writing to the god
- 45 – 60-minute divination (alternate AO and BoDO)
EVERY WEDNESDAY AND SATURDAY
- 1-hr reading (scriptures, story, academic materials, etc)
- 15-minute shrine work for god
My path is taking me past familiar climes. It is setting me in front of some very familiar tribunals and it is for this reason that I feel so nervous. I know at whose feet I sit devotedly. I know the blue, the gold, the sky. My Sirius, my Sopdet/Sopedu, my polestar.
What am I trying to build with this? Trust–in myself, toward god. I’m trying to build my god’s trust toward me by being reliable, being honorable, acting with integrity, showing proper respect, being consistent, not letting my ego get too big. I’m trying to build a base of emotional regularity–sometimes I can be too labile, but meditation has been helping. Mindfulness exercises will surely help as well.
I’m trying to figure out what it is I want from life. So far, I’ve just been putting my time in at work. Now that I’ve gotten pretty well-established in the field, it’s time to pay some attention to the rest of my life.
Odd aside, but I’ve wanted for years to get a ring on behalf of god. Not sure what it means. In March or April, I’m going to finally make the jump. Perhaps I should ask myself what it means and if I really want to go through with it? Of course, there’s no rule saying I can’t get a pretty, tasteful ring and go from there.
I remember years ago being willing to offer celibacy for life but now I’m not so sure. Not that I ever plan to marry–and I am asexual. It’s just that offering something like that is big, you know? It’s something I’d consider on the short term, like in six-month intervals for a couple years, then maybe go further. I don’t know. What the hell would that look like? I guess it’s a legit thing to consider, given my path.
I’m going to mull over this for awhile. It’s a good start. Maybe needs more stick-poking.
His high endeavors are an inward light
that makes the path before him always bright.
— William Wordsworth
Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark.