What have I become,
my sweetest friend?
Everyone I know
goes away in the end.
And you could have it all,
my empire of dirt.
I will let you down.
I will make you hurt.
It is no secret that I am mentally ill. Maybe short of deeply mentally ill, but ill nonetheless.
And that’s exactly what the Higher Love and Wisdom card was showing me.
On Friday, it hit me. It came like a black cloud, surging with plague, and the fire came down so hard it drove the fish from the sea. Here I am, faced with my darkness–a different kind of darkness, which I’m going to transition into for awhile as I spiral downward. But my descent is an easier one than in the past. I can see it, I can prevent myself from going too fast. It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the impact at the bottom.
Down here, I have hope. Higher Love and Wisdom has told me everything I need to know. I need to be here for awhile. Whether it’s because some cosmic force has nudged me that direction, or if it’s my own chemical imbalances, I need to be here for awhile. Need to work through it. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
Today I’m due to read from the BoDO. I’m a bit nervous about what it has to say. I also need to read scripture, write my letter to god, and of course meditate. I think it’s the meditation and mindfulness exercises that are helping me this time around.
Now I wonder where this downward spiral leads to?