Six Years

The first and greatest victory is to conquer yourself; to be conquered by yourself is of all things most shameful and vile.


So, I want to write about why I don’t want to do shrine practice for god, why I keep turning my attention to this and that, “forgetting”, etc. It’s very obvious: fear. A very Sobekian thing, I might add.

If I approach god and it turns out he’s not actually listening, what will I do? And what in the heaving hell will I do if god is listening? Am I ready for this? I mean, it’s not like I’m going to all of a sudden be swept up into the deepest mysteries as a high priestess. At the same time, the first step is always a doozy. I just don’t have the reckless, ignorant confidence I used to have.

This evening, I turned on some music, cleaned the shrine, lit some incense, lit the candle, sat before it all, meditating, talking to god. Now I feel so light-headed, so tired, even have a bit of a headache. I had to excuse myself to drink water because I thought I might be dehydrated (frankly, I think that’s what exacerbated whatever trigger). Now I don’t feel grounded and will be having a little snack and game time to ground me again. It’s amazing how much that drained me. It was, what, ten minutes at most?

It was something about the shadows, something I sensed when I was cleaning the shrine. Something, something. Something that I can’t even begin to pick apart in my fear. Once again the mud has stirred up in the glass of water.

Perhaps it was the incense that pushed the trigger along. But right now I don’t have a great feeling. Like something bad happened, or just a something happened. Or I just feel bad overall. Sometimes it’s hard to tell with these things. I will be cautious, but probe forward. It just occurred to me that maybe god is not happy with my waffling. To be obscene, either shit or get off the pot!

If nothing else, all these exercises I’ve been doing have been helpful. They’ve even improved my relationship with my hyper-sensitive dog. I find myself lavishing attention on her in an effort to avoid the obvious. . . . There are times where I just want to run off and focus on dog training and sports because those are solid. They’re under my control for the most part. When you deal with the divine, there are a lot of variables out of control, as well as many variables of which you are not aware.

The incense burns low. I should prepare to clean up.

To sensible men, every day is a day of reckoning. ~John W Gardner

There is a time for departure even when there’s no certain place to go. ~Tennessee Williams

If you keep rephrasing the question, it eventually becomes the answer.

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