Ecks Dee

Today I am feeling so tired. I spent half the day out while my dog was being groomed. Not to mention I haven’t slept well for the past couple days. Given the fact I was out, I’m on sort of a time crunch, as many of my practices are scheduled for Saturday. But I’ve done almost all of the difficult ones. My reading from the BoDO is the last thing on my list today. The BoDO made sure I have plenty to think about. It’s left me quite fatigued. I may have to revisit this tomorrow after I’ve gotten some sleep.

As usual, the question was “how should I approach the coming week?”

                                Ra

Khepri             Wenut 4 – 5

Sobek         Geb-Nut-Shu       Shu-Tefnut

Nebet-Het       NN                  Shai                Shen Ur

The card seated in the Sirius position is Ra, so he is the guiding principle of this reading. Ra indicates the need for Maat (ie: justice, fairness, balance), leadership, power, dignity, taking important tasks seriously, protection, completion, adaptability, creative power, success, and he is also the conquerer of dangers and obstacles par excellence.

When you see Ra, you can’t just think of Ra at noon. You have to think of the emerging Ra, who brings himself into existence as Khepri (and Atum). You also have to think of how he descends to prepare for the next cycle as Atum. In this way, Ra is a very cyclical card who asks us to adapt to the day/week/situation/whatever as needed.

This week, I think I need to focus on being adaptable, able to switch from one context to another. I also think I need to consider the “taking things seriously” part, as I feel I’ve been a bit too frivolous lately.

Khepri is seated in a past position, indicating past thought patterns and their influence on present and future. Khepri represents rebirth, the start of a new cycle, transformation of a situation, inner transformation, and the renewal of energies.

I don’t want to go into it, but something certainly has changed bout me in the past week. Nothing huge. There’s still tons of work to do.

Wenut 4-5 is seated in a future-looking position, indicating a guideline for future actions. Wenut 4-5 refers to the darkest hours as Ra travels through the Duat. Even Ra’s own light can’t penetrate the darkness here. The road is rough and unpleasant and he must be towed along. The only thing anybody can do is grin and bear it.

If you’re going through hell, keep on going. ~ Winston Churchill

Wenut 4-5 refers to the dark night of the soul. It also warns you that, while it’s always darkest before dawn, you’re also coming to a low point of unhappiness and suffering. It’s not a terrible card to get, but definitely not something you want to see in a future-looking position when you’re already feeling drained.

Something is going to drag me through the mud this week. Whether it’s a coworker or some spiritual thing, I can’t say. What I can say is that things have been sort of tough lately (more on the work front than spiritual front). In a way, I do feel like I’m being towed along painfully slowly while trying to squint into the darkness.

No matter how bad it gets, I have to grit my teeth and bear it because there’s a light at the end of this tunnel.

Sobek is in a more past-looking position, indicating what compelled me to ask my question in the first place. There’s a very emotional aspect to the card that falls in this position.

Sobek refers to darker, more primitive instincts and emotions. That yucky stuff we don’t want coming to the surface. He is a sort of voracious, slightly negative presence in the BoDO. When Sobek appears, he’s a warning that you have some energies clouding about you that, if they get out of control, could cause your downfall.

I’m not sure what to think about Sobek in this particular position. Part of me thinks that, subconsciously, I’m feeling some energies that aren’t so great and the BoDO is warning me about them. Maybe I’ve stalled in my shadow work, have fallen too much into a groove. I feel a sort of apathy creeping in and perhaps I have this subconscious worry that became an ulterior motive for the question I asked.

Geb-Nut-Shu is a composite card, seated smack dab in the middle of the reading, indicating how the energies of all the other cards will relate to one another on a spiritual and mundane plane, as well as on an emotional one.

Geb-Nut-Shu is about creating space. Creating space to breathe, space to think, space to create–whatever. Just space. At the same time, Geb-Nut-Shu is also about separation, which can either be positive or painful. When you see these three, you know there’s a need for independent action.

I sort of have to embody this card.

A lot of this week hinges on me creating space. What I don’t know if what kind of space I’m supposed to create. Some place to process my emotions, certainly. Some place to act with dignity and seriousness on certain mundane and spiritual tasks. I think I’m still being pushed to do shrine work. That’s the only thing I can think of. I guess I’ve moved from being actively afraid to apathy. It’s apathy born of fear, but apathy nonetheless. Some of it comes from depression, some of it comes from fear, some of it comes from laziness, some of it comes from outer space.

Am I waiting for something magical to happen? Am I hoping that all of a sudden, everything will come together, all the dots connected, circuits wired, tracks written?

Why am I so afraid? Why be apathetic? How hard is it to light a little fire in a bowl? How hard is it to pour some water, to knock my head against the floor, to praise god? Why?

Is it because I would have to face the fact that I am now working with an Other? If I’m working with an Other, then so much is taken from my hands. If I work on my healing and growth in isolation, then virtually every aspect is in my control. But if I light that fire, if I pour that water, if I knock my head against the floor, if I praise god–I give something up to god. I lay it at his feet, and with it, a bit of my heart. Who wouldn’t crush it?

Throw the gates open, strew the flowers, sound the horn, light the incense, light the fire, pour the water, sing! Oh, you god, would you hear my entreaties? Would you ever consider me worthy in your presence? Should I come or should I simply continue to write you letters?

I think I have my answer. Now will I be alone with myself?

Shu-Tefnut has appeared in two separate readings. The first time, they were in the position that indicates past energies and their effects on the present and future. The second time, they first showed up in the Sirius position, meaning their energies were the guiding principle of the reading. They showed up again (as Netjer Netjeru) in the position that compelled me to ask my question in the first place, and the slot they fell in is a very emotional one.

Now Shu-Tefnut have appeared in a future-looking position, indicating the flow of emotions, energies, expectations, and wishes, as well as how the card placed here modifies those. I think Shu-Tefnut have been showing up because I really need to get started on that shrine work. But it feels so soon! I began working on myself back in November. It’s been two measly months. Two measly months where a lot has changed, but given the fact that I have a full year, it’s not that much. A drop in the bucket.

Anyway, Shu-Tefnut are a case of “opposites attract”. They’re a call for harmony, togetherness, compassion, love, camaraderie, and a union of some kind. When you see them, you know that the past and future may be in question, and that there are complementing energies at work.

I’ve always had this wish and expectation that I would find god again. I guess maybe it’s time to take the next step to find him.

Nebet-Het is in the seventh position, a past-looking position, indicating the past and how it’s still carrying forward. This card stumped me, but in the light of the above cards, she makes sense. I’m still carrying a lot of guilt and sorrow with me from the past. In a way, I’m still mourning over lost opportunities and burnt bridges.

Nebet-Het is deception and corruption. I’m lying to myself. What I’m carrying over from the past shouldn’t be ignored, sure, but like depression, I lie. I lie and I’m making myself sad because of it.

Perhaps it’s time to let some of that go. Or, at the very least, not keep me from going forward. I think this is the foundation of what’s making me apathetic about shrine work. To be honest, anything that I suck at right now and won’t improve on basically comes from this fact that I can’t let go of what I had and it keeps me from going forward.

For the eighth position, I first pulled Shu-Tefnut again. So I placed Netjer Netjeru here. Netjer Netjeru is seated in the position that suggests how I’ll advance my goals or react in any one situation. Once again, the BoDO is saying, “I have no fucking idea. Have you considered being consistent?” There’s just so many ways I can go at this point because I have a better handle on where I’m going.

The underlying card is Shu-Tefnut, so I’m guessing I need to seek the harmony, camaraderie, and union the two imply. After that, it’s a wildcard. Virtually anything could happen, even the unexpected.

The hesitation from Nebet-Het throws a wrench into things.

Shai is seated in the position that indicates the implementation of decisions, the power to do things, and personal action. Shai is the personification of fate or destiny. Oddly enough, he’s also seen with Renenutet, who appeared as Wadjet in this very position in last week’s reading.

When you see Shai, you should consider the influence of fate and destiny, but also the element of luck. Shai usually indicates a turn of luck for the better. Of course, that’s “usually” what he indicates. . . .

For some reason, the BoDO sees Shai as freedom from bondage as well. Seeing as how Shai determines the length of a person’s life and is with them until the very end, I’m not sure how apt this is. It doesn’t really ring true to me.

This week, I think I should work hard at things. I should take some risks if necessary. As I work, I should realize that there may be fate, destiny, or luck at play and not take it too hard. Sometimes you pull a good hand, other times you don’t. I usually don’t, so let’s see how this plays out.

At the same time, I can’t let fate, destiny, or luck allow me to be stupid.

Shen Ur is seated in the tenth position, which indicates what to do to reach decisions or reach a goals (or the card in this position simply answers the question). Shen Ur is a symbol of the cosmos that, having completely emerged from the abyss, now is the picture of balance and harmony. Even if these things are disturbed, they return to perfect equilibrium. Shen Ur indicates life, power, and stability. It is concerned with the establishment of order, or indicates harmony restored. It can be about integration and wholeness.

This week should be about reestablishing a connection with god, as well as promoting harmony, integration, balance, and happiness in my day-to-day life. I should take any tasks set before me seriously. That doesn’t mean I can’t laugh or poke fun, just that I can’t be too frivolous.

Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are. ~Malcolm S. Forbes

Advertisements
Posted in Spirituality

I Hit the Mark

Be careful making wishes in the dark,
can’t be sure when they’ve hit their mark.

I just finished my BoDO reading and today the deck decided to throw ALL THE THINGS at me. Three instances of Netjer Netjeru–three! Anyway, I’m going to use this space to chew over it a bit.

As usual, the question was “how should I approach the coming week?”

                                                             Shu and Tefnut

Heru                         Renenutet

Netjer Netjeru (S&T)           Satet               Satet/Khepri

Nut                       Kerhet                        Renenutet/Wadjet   Djehuty

Sorry the pyramid is all screwed up. It never comes out right anyway, and I can’t be bothered to fix it.

So the first thing you notice here is that there are three instances of Netjer Netjeru. This doesn’t happen all that often but when it does, you should listen. Netjer Netjeru, as I’ve said before, is the BoDO’s wildcard. Anything is possible and you can expect the unexpected–negative or otherwise. When you see NN, that means the power of the card that would have been there is still in play, somewhat, but there’s a lot more up to chance as well as personal action. So in other words, my week could go very differently depending on my actions or inactions.

The card in the Sirius position is Shu and Tefnut, so they are the guiding principle of the reading. When I see these two, I think “opposites attract”, as well as the call for harmony, camaraderie, the past and future, complementing aspects, and a union of some kind.

This week, I think I’m being called upon to work through my depression and find ways to add a little more love and harmony in my life. Maybe I should understand that my depression is part and parcel of who I am. It’s kind of morbid, but we sort of belong together and just as the AO Khonsu exorcises demons by acknowledging them and respecting them, I need to acknowledge and respect this part of myself. In that way, Shu and Tefnut are a call to compassion, especially self-compassion.

Heru is in a past position that indicates past thought patterns and their influence on the present and future. Heru represents victory over adversity, perseverance, filial love and loyalty, just behavior, integrity, courage, and righteousness. I have been trying to be a little more like Heru in my thoughts and deeds. While I can’t say I’m even 1/100th like him, it has had some small effect. If I keep trying to embody Heru, even if I only succeed by 1%, I will be 100% better off than I would be if I didn’t try to embody him at all.

Renenutet is in a future-looking position that indicates a guideline for future actions. Renenutet is a goddess of fate, and she is also related to the protective royal Wadjet. Renenutet indicates good fortune, wealth, plenty, and nourishment of the body and spirit. I think this means that I need to do enough self-care this coming week, especially since I feel bad. Anything that nourishes me, that makes me realize how fortunate I am, and makes me appreciate what I have is something I should get or act upon.

Heru and Renenutet comprise the entirety of the eye. I should keep asking myself WWHD (What Would Heru Do?), but realize that there’s an element of fate at work here. I should also try to enjoy myself a bit. There’s abundance to be found for those who would look. I shouldn’t get so caught up in fighting my inner demons that I forget about the good things I have.

For the fourth position, I pulled Shu and Tefnut again, so in their place I laid Netjer Netjeru. As I said before, Netjer Netjeru is the BoDO’s wildcard. Anything can be done and I should expect the unexpected. The card in this position indicates what compelled me to ask my question in the first place. The card in this position is also my contact between me and the outside world.

It’s funny to see this card for this position. I asked my question simply because I wanted to know how to approach the coming week, especially now that I feel so sad and lost. Part of me thinks the BoDO wasn’t 100% sure what compelled me to ask this question and so placed the Sirius card here. Another part of me thinks that the BoDO wasn’t 100% sure what compelled me to ask this question, but perhaps the need to acknowledge my depression and practice self-compassion was the underlying reason.

Almost anything could be a bridge between me and the outside world at this point; however, it’s likely to involve something that, at first, seems to repulse me, or something that complements me.

Satet is seated in the position that indicates how the energies of all these cards will relate to one another. As before, I sort of have to embody the card here.

Well, whaddya know? Satet and Sopdet have some relations to one another, since Satet is involved with the Nile flood at Elephantine. Satet is a very purifying card. She sends out her energies to heal and to make things grow. When you see this card, it could mean that it’s time to start a new project, or that it’s the right time to do some thing.

This week, I need to be careful not to be too much within myself. I should also remember that depression lies: it makes you feel like you’re a loser, like you’re so filthy you couldn’t be present before anybody. But Satet purifies, and depression lies.

I’ve been hesitant to pick up shrine work for god again. Satet is probably a sign that I should start at least drawing up plans. My shrine work doesn’t have to be perfect at first–I just have to start.

For the next position, which indicates the flow of emotions, energies, expectations, and wishes (as well as how the energies of the selected card modify them), I pulled Satet again! This means I would normally place Netjer Netjeru here, but since I already placed NN, I was forced to roll once more to place Khepri in this position.

So this is kind of a knotty part of the reading. First of all, there’s the wildcard element of Satet’s influence. Satet is the goddess of the hunt (and possibly rain) who is responsible for the inundation. Like all water, the Nile can run hither and thither, either providing life, or providing death by sweeping villages and cattle away. This week I am not entirely stable, so if I’m not careful, I could flood out my entire week.

But Khepri is the main card here. Khepri represents rebirth, start of a new cycle, transformation of a situation, inner transformation, and the renewal of energies. This coming week is going to see a renewal of everything on my part. Perhaps I will be a little manic? In any case, I need to be careful about how I conduct myself.

Nut is seated in the position that refers to the past and how it’s still carrying forward. I consider it to be most influential on the card that comes after it. Nut is the ultimate cosmic mother. She is a powerful protector whose vastness reminds us to be humble in the face of the Powers. She can also refer to transcending previous limitations.

Emotionally, spiritually, and mentally, I was handicapped by some stuff that I don’t want to talk about here. Perhaps that’s what Nut is talking about here? For sure recognizing my depressive low was a huge victory for me. I can’t stress enough how amazing it is that I caught it before I ran myself into the ground.

I think the BoDO is telling me that someone is watching over me, too. I have to do that work, but up there in the sky is someone making sure I don’t fuck up too hard.

Kerhet is seated in the position that suggests how I’ll advance my goals or how I’ll react in any one situation. Kerhet is secret initiation and the transmission of occult power. I don’t really see how any of this applies to me. There is one interpretation of Kerhet’s card that speaks very powerfully to me:

Shut up. Be silent. Don’t talk. Bite your tongue. God, how I struggle with silence. I need to learn to talk less, listen more. That’s how I’m going to advance my goals. And reacting with silence to any one situation isn’t always such a bad thing. In fact, I’m convinced that a lot of troubles in the world could be stopped in their tracks if people just. Shut. The. Hell. Up.

Looking back toward Nut, I feel like a little kid who’s still being watched over. Perhaps Nut is whispering secrets? What kind of secrets a sky goddess must have!

Here’s the other knotty part of the reading: I first pulled Renenutet, thus NN, and finally Wadjet in the position that indicates the implementation of decisions, the power to do things, and personal action. I think there’s an element of fate here. This is my first “turning point” along my path and it could go anywhere, depending on how I behave. The best I can do for myself is practice gratitude and self-care.

Wadjet and Renenutet are actually closely related. I kind of think as Renenutet as Wadjet’s “softer” side. Wadjet indicates spiritual awakening and enlightenment. She’s the flow of creative energy as well as magical power and protection. She also represents royal power.

So what does this mean for me? Hard to say, so I’ll have to think about it. For now I’ll take a weak crack at it. This week I’d better tap into my creative, intuitive side, both for spiritual and mundane things. Anything to keep myself from spiraling down further, and anything to direct my energies outward and forward (and not sweep away an entire village while I’m at it).

Djehuty is seated in the position that indicates what to do to reach decisions or reach a goal (or it simply answers the question). The BoDO has a bunch of hokey Emerald Tablet stuff for Djehuty, but it does ring true with a picture of Djehuty as a master of letters, speech, sciences, etc. Djehuty represents wisdom, mediation, and magic. He is also something of a balancing card, thanks to his association with Maat.

For the week, I think there’s going to be a whole flood of feeeeelings (feelz no reelz) that need to be properly directed and utilized if I even hope to make it through the week with my head intact. Instead of ignoring these feelings or tamping down on them, I should try to use them. I should also remember self-care. This week is going to be spent mediating between spiritual, mundane, and the inner and outer forces that want to knock me off course.

I need to be quiet and thoughtful. I need to focus on harmonious relationships and integrating things that, at first glance, don’t belong at all. Lookin’ at you, depression.

Posted in Spirituality

Fish Rain from the Sea

What have I become,
my sweetest friend?
Everyone I know
goes away in the end.

And you could have it all,
my empire of dirt.
I will let you down.
I will make you hurt.

It is no secret that I am mentally ill. Maybe short of deeply mentally ill, but ill nonetheless.

And that’s exactly what the Higher Love and Wisdom card was showing me.

On Friday, it hit me. It came like a black cloud, surging with plague, and the fire came down so hard it drove the fish from the sea. Here I am, faced with my darkness–a different kind of darkness, which I’m going to transition into for awhile as I spiral downward. But my descent is an easier one than in the past. I can see it, I can prevent myself from going too fast. It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the impact at the bottom.

Down here, I have hope. Higher Love and Wisdom has told me everything I need to know. I need to be here for awhile. Whether it’s because some cosmic force has nudged me that direction, or if it’s my own chemical imbalances, I need to be here for awhile. Need to work through it. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

Today I’m due to read from the BoDO. I’m a bit nervous about what it has to say. I also need to read scripture, write my letter to god, and of course meditate. I think it’s the meditation and mindfulness exercises that are helping me this time around.

Now I wonder where this downward spiral leads to?

Posted in Spirituality

Profound Ferris Wheel

I cannot make a sound,
but I can listen.

My life is like a Ferris wheel–it has its ups and downs, but is overall predictable.

I just feel tired and worn down this week, in part because of work and the weather, but also in part because I know there’s something that’s not quite right. I keep trying to sound the depths. There’s nothing here underwater. So I’m stuck with two things: keep on keeping on while being aware of any snags, and not thinking about things too much.

The angst also comes from not knowing what the fuck I’m doing. A blind man has a better view of the road ahead. All that said, I knew tough times were coming. It’s just I didn’t think they’d be coming so soon down the line.

As I’ve said before, my inability to do anything right has been well-documented, so why this is a surprise to me is also a mystery.

But what is this feeling of dread? What is this sick, twisted, guilty feeling in my gut? Why do I feel so profoundly sad and, at the same time, profoundly guilty?

I suppose it’s because I imagine myself approaching god and, being deemed not worthy, am turned away to go who knows where. If god won’t have me, then to where shall I go? How many locked doors in dark streets do I have to try before I find the one that not only opens, but opens to a home in which I belong? What if there are some people who don’t belong anywhere, and I’m one of those people?

Is it any bravery to go on when it comes to this? Is it not safer to stay where you are?

There are many kinds of loneliness. The worst loneliness of all is when, faced with a multitude of locked doors, you realize there’s no one for you at all.

I guess that is, in part, what’s bothering me: the unanswered questions, including answers to the questions which I have not even thought to ask. There’s only so much reckless hope and bravado I can muster. I guess in true Anpu-nian fashion, I have to let that go. Take note of my feelings and let them go. Everybody has their doubts, their fears, their hesitations. Those who move past them are those who walk the path anyway. Nobody can guarantee anyone a happy ending I guess. The most important part is the journey anyway.

I’ll go look over my year-long reading. Maybe there will be answers there. Everyone’s got their dark nights.

It’s all the same to me underwater.
There’s nothing much to see underwater.
I cannot make a sound,
but I can listen.
Can’t tell up from down,
and now I miss them.

Posted in Spirituality

Blinded

When I see you,
it’s like staring down the sun.

One morning, a person walked up a long set of stairs, carrying a bag of rocks in each hand. Upon reaching the top, they noticed the unnecessary weight they carried. Of course, they then let go, right there at the top of the steps. At that moment, the sun flashed in their face, and they walked towards it. The brightness swallowed them up. One story ended; another began.

The truth is hidden by your orb of gold, O Sun.

I think I have a nibble of what this week’s AO reading means. As might be expected, I’m still hanging onto some old things. Skeletons in the closet, you might call them, or the rags of yesteryear. Like the person carrying the bags of rocks, it may be time to set them down so I can walk unhindered into the light. That raises a question: am I ready to let go?

Am I willing to trust myself that I won’t repeat the mistakes of yesterday? Am I willing to trust that I will navigate carefully, that I will listen, that I will act with humility? If I probe deeper, I almost have to ask: can I forgive myself? What is there to forgive?

Am I willing to acknowledge, but not follow, my fears and anxieties?

Underneath the surface, there’s something I keep picking at, yet cannot quite identify in words. It is, I suspect, some kind of wound. In keeping with the tradition of the AO Khonsu, I should probably figure out what it is.

But I’m careful. Careful to make sure it’s not some incipient mental illness. Careful to make sure the OCD doesn’t come creeping in. Careful to not make it weird. Careful not to loosen too much control–you don’t have to let the raft drift aimlessly to go with the flow. On the contrary, going with the flow requires some effort from you.

All I’ve got to do is push myself a bit. While I don’t need to find the answers now or even this week, I have to try. My path requires effort on my part.

I will travel the distance in your eyes.
Interstellar, lightyears from you.

Posted in Spirituality

What the Oracle Said

This has been said so many times that I’m not sure if it matters.

Thanks to the new year, I didn’t have time to do all my regular scheduled stuff, such as divination. I did a reading on Sunday and now am ready to do some reflecting on it. I do wonder if I’m being too cavalier about missing a day. Although you won’t always be able to keep to your schedule perfectly. So.

The question, as usual, is: how should I approach the coming week? I pulled these cards:

               Anpu

Higher Love and Wisdom      Khonsu

Anpu is in the Nekhbet-Mother-Mut position, meaning his energies will be dominant this week. Everything is subservient to Anpu (or at least the AO’s conception of him) this week. I, the initiate dove, the itinerant Heru, will try to heed his lessons.

Anpu indicates the need for surrender. He himself knows when to let go and this week I need to think about when and where to let go as well. This card could indicate giving or receiving spiritual/emotional guidance. But the thing he represents in the AO that resonates with me the most is this: Anpu is about making a transition and, in the process, letting go of old perceptions.

This week is going to be about starting a new cycle and, in the course of doing so, letting go of some things. This fills me with with both delight and dread because of the uncertainty. On the mundane side, it’s pretty obvious: this is the first new year with my new company, so I get to see how the big machine kicks into gear and how it sets itself up for the coming year. I need to let go of any lingering assumptions about what this place and its people will be like and just observe and I work.

On the spiritual side, I just don’t know. Those feelings I had a couple weeks ago–those feelings that were not unlike Bast’s holy longing–are back again, at least a little bit, and this time I admitted it. I said it aloud. Universe, I love you. I love your light, I love your dark. I love your love, and can’t deny the beauty of your terror. I want to scream that beautiful name from the rooftops, but I won’t.

Because who really needs to hear it?

Because I don’t know if that love is accepted. Where do you put unrequited love? What do you do when it fails to burn out? It’s a long journey from where I am and I just don’t know.

Moving right to left, we have Khonsu, who’s sorta shown up in a past reading in one of the white light cards whose name I can’t remember right now.

Khonsu is seated in the Nebet-Het position, so I can rely on him for the more intuitive aspects of the week. If I lose focus, it’s Khonsu who knows the way.

Khonsu is healing and exorcism, mainly through honoring the source of your pain and darkness. (He can also indicate the need for travel, or that you’ll soon be making travel plans.)

With Khonsu, I feel like the the thing that’s going to help me transition is to acknowledge my feelings and thoughts, get them out there in the open, honor–not scorn–them, and then move forward. At a certain point, all you can do is lay everything on the table, then keep going. Maybe in the future they’ll be the key to some lock or piece to some puzzle, but you can sit around waiting for the right lock or the right puzzle. Maybe you have to go out in the world knowing that you’re incomplete and may be incomplete forever. Maybe you have to go out and find the right fit.

So surrender for me, I guess, is to acknowledge and then move forward, and maybe that’s why having solid plans last week was important. After I spend the week just kind of rifling through my pockets and throwing the contents on the table, I need to soldier on. My polestar is always there, dazzling like a peacock. They are beyond number and gender.

The last card is Higher Love and Wisdom. This is a beautiful card, if you care to look closely. On the right, you have Set facing his shadow self. On the left is Het-Heru, goddess of love and joy. Above is Wadjet, the Eye of Ra. What this card is depicting is that, once we face our shadows and move past them, we can come to a place of love and light. Once we’re filled with love and light, we come to the feet of the Eye of Ra, the most beautiful example of a spirit that’s effective for Ra (an akh).

Higher Love and Wisdom is in the Aset position, meaning it’s the crowning achievement of the reading and the connection between earthly and spiritual. When you pull this card, you need to remember to love yourself. You need to do shadow work and face your inner demons. You also need to act with humility, which is befitting one who wants to approach the Eye of Ra.

Overall, I expect this week to be one of transition and gearing up for the rest of the year. On the mundane plane, that just means getting ready for all the tasks and goals of the year. Spiritually, this week is going to be spent facing down the darkness I’ve seen both in Ap-p and Kemet and working through it. Some of the darkness will be true darkness, and some of it will be of the inchoate variety. I’ll be writing a lot about stuff here in my blog, but I either won’t publish it or it will be set to private, because there’s some dirty laundry you just don’t air, no matter how few people you think will see it.

This week, I’ve got to be brave.

You’re a canary,
I’m a coalmine,
’cause sorrow is just all the rage.

Take one for the team.
You all know what I mean.

Posted in Spirituality

Your Orb of Gold, O Sun

Who is more foolish: the child afraid of the dark, or the man afraid of the light?
— Maurice Freehill

Lethargics are to be laid in the light and exposed to the rays of the sun, for the disease is gloom.
–Artaeus

I’ve been spending the past week working and playing Pokemon Sun and putting off thinking about that AO reading. Kind of stupid that I do this to myself, given the fact that, you know, this is going to affect me for the rest of the year.

I’ll start with work, because that’s easiest. To be honest, I just want to stay the course: work my ass off, learn lots of new stuff, build trust, maybe get a little salary bump at the end of the next year. If I can hit the next 5K I think I might like to get another dog. Something small and low maintenance, like a maltese. Then again that might pull too much time away from other stuff I need to. . . well, whatever the case, I will treat myself and maybe my family as well.

I want to build up a reputation at my work as a committed worker who is smart and gets things done. At the same time, I don’t want to be turned into a donkey because I literally can’t say no or set boundaries.

So far, I think I’m on the right track. I’ve been working my ass off on this cache thing, have made friends with my coworker, and even made a bit of friends with my boss! It’s only been three months, though, and my next project will have an even larger impact on the business if I’m smart about it. My plans for this year involve kicking ass on my cache and other, upcoming project by creating high quality, documented code.

Spiritually . . . if I’m being frank, I’ve been kind of avoiding it. It’s only been two months since my head set itself on right and I started doing stuff that’s proven. . . helpful in emotional and mental things. On the other hand, I’m starting to feel myself work into a groove. I’ve plateaued. It’s a small plateau, mind you, but nonetheless the first part of this mountain is behind me.

I guess what I should think about here is what I want to do and create. I need to let myself dream big without getting too egotistic, crazy, or deadly serious about it. I need to ask myself if my plans and goals are congruent with my beliefs, with my heart. If I follow what I set out for myself, will I be acting with integrity?

At the same time, I need to remember that “healing and growth” is the main theme of the coming year. I have a feeling “healing and growth” doesn’t just refer to within, but with the outer world with whom I’ve severed myself.

A meaningful spiritual practice would be a good, solid start, I think. For me personally, a good spiritual practice will include regular shrine work, reading, and continued divination and writing. I should keep up what I’ve been doing plus adding some mindfulness exercises. Though I don’t want to overwhelm myself. . . no reason to rush things. I’m thinking of something like:

DAILY

  1. 5-minute body scan meditation

EVERY MONDAY

  1. 3-minute incense offerings to god

EVERY OTHER DAY

  1. 5-minute offerings to god

EVERY TUESDAY AND THURSDAY

  1. 10-minute mindfulness exercise

EVERY SATURDAY

  1. 10-minute letter-writing to the god
  2. 45 – 60-minute divination (alternate AO and BoDO)

EVERY WEDNESDAY AND SATURDAY

  1. 1-hr reading (scriptures, story, academic materials, etc)

EVERY SUNDAY

  1. 15-minute shrine work for god

My path is taking me past familiar climes. It is setting me in front of some very familiar tribunals and it is for this reason that I feel so nervous. I know at whose feet I sit devotedly. I know the blue, the gold, the sky. My Sirius, my Sopdet/Sopedu, my polestar.

I hope.

What am I trying to build with this? Trust–in myself, toward god. I’m trying to build my god’s trust toward me by being reliable, being honorable, acting with integrity, showing proper respect, being consistent, not letting my ego get too big. I’m trying to build a base of emotional regularity–sometimes I can be too labile, but meditation has been helping. Mindfulness exercises will surely help as well.

I’m trying to figure out what it is I want from life. So far, I’ve just been putting my time in at work. Now that I’ve gotten pretty well-established in the field, it’s time to pay some attention to the rest of my life.

Odd aside, but I’ve wanted for years to get a ring on behalf of god. Not sure what it means. In March or April, I’m going to finally make the jump. Perhaps I should ask myself what it means and if I really want to go through with it? Of course, there’s no rule saying I can’t get a pretty, tasteful ring and go from there.

I remember years ago being willing to offer celibacy for life but now I’m not so sure. Not that I ever plan to marry–and I am asexual. It’s just that offering something like that is big, you know? It’s something I’d consider on the short term, like in six-month intervals for a couple years, then maybe go further. I don’t know. What the hell would that look like? I guess it’s a legit thing to consider, given my path.

I’m going to mull over this for awhile. It’s a good start. Maybe needs more stick-poking.

His high endeavors are an inward light
that makes the path before him always bright.
— William Wordsworth

Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark.
–Rabindranath Tagore

Posted in Spirituality